9. I need treatment

Last post I said I approach a treatment as a way of outlining the story. Well below is it. The six steps are covered and I think a solid story has resulted. However, the treatment is almost as long as the finished story; so I’ve overdone it a bit and probably got into the territory of the first draft. However, I read that if it is for personal usage only and not for attracting business then there are no rules.

I’ll write the story next and will be interested how much of the treatment I could have done without. The story will start with step 3, Felicity in fear. Through step 4 where Jonas hunts her down. Then the backstory of steps 1 and 2 will occur through flashback or maybe some other means. Then onto the finish line.


BERSERK by Steve Orton

Felicity had got talking to Jonas in the pub. She didn’t really want to go in the alley, but he was quite a nice looking bloke. So she thought well, a snog wouldn’t be a bad thing. But, soon as they were in the alley, he changed.
“Christ, I’ll just have a blow job then, anything that’ll make the evening not a total waste of  time,” says Jonas.
Felicity looks at him angrily.
“Oh come on, a girl like you can’t be getting much action.”
Seething she pulls a knife from her handbag and lunges at him, slicing across his eye.
Jonas is on the ground yelling, his hand on his eye and blood seeping out between his fingers. People were coming, she runs.
Felicity watches the local news and the incident is on it. Because of Jonas’s condition the police have yet to interview him.
She is convinced she will be found eventually. If the police don’t find her, she’ll inadvertently run into Jonas again, that big bastard could frogmarch her down the station and she’d be powerless to resist. She’d be up for GBH. Also, a DNA sample would be taken which would be worrying.
Jonas makes his statement; he didn’t get a look at his attacker and wouldn’t recognise them again. What was he playing at? Felicity is  convinced he is going to come after her himself.
Felicity is in a state of fear. She shudders, what could a five foot four, podgy girl do against anyone that size? If he wanted her dead she wouldn’t stand a chance.
They had been chatty in the pub. He knows a fair bit about her, enough to find her and dash her brains out. She has to go to the police.
Should she go easy on him? Tell the police pretty much the truth. No, she would stick the boot in. He deserved it.
In the interview Felicity shyly says,
“Girls in Coventry have every reason to be wary and nervous right now. He was getting pushy and I swore at him. That’s when he got out the knife. I thought I was dead; I’d been stupid and ended up in an alley with a killer. I was going to have my throat cut open like those three poor girls.”
“He drew the knife across his own throat, demonstrating what he was going to do to me. Somehow, it must have been the fear, or the adrenalin or something, but I hit out hard and blood started spurting from his eye. It was horrible. Then I just ran.”
Jonas is placed under arrest and questioned at the hospital, he can’t yet be taken away from the eye unit. He learns about Felicity’s statement.
In his private room removes the bandages and patch. The cut is far worse than he’d thought.
“Just you wait!” He spat, and then set to work on how to give his guard the slip.
The following day the door to Felicity’s flat bursts open.
Felicity backs against a wall, “I had to stop you coming after me. That’s what you had planned, isn’t it?”
“No Felicity. I wasn’t going to come after you. Actually I was ashamed of my behaviour and just wanted to forget about the whole evening.”
Jonas removes the bandage holding the pad over his eye. An angry red slit runs diagonally through his eye socket and part way down his cheek. The eye was cut but the round bit was intact. Fine stitching held the wound together.
“Jesus, I’m lucky to have not lost the eye.”
He looms over her and puts his big hands around her throat and squeezes. She struggles and her face reddens horribly. He suddenly releases her, saying “Blast, I knew I couldn’t do it.”
He takes a light bulb from his pocket and exchanges it with the one in the lava lamp. It glows very bright. “I remember you telling me you had one of these.”
“Do you want to know the reason why I stopped? It’s because killing you is not a fitting revenge. It would be excessive, they’d be no satisfaction. You hurt me and may have scarred me for life, but you didn’t kill me. So I can’t kill you.”
Felicity cries very suddenly, surprising him.
“Tonight you are going to suffer, but you are not going to die. Then the police can do what they like with me.”
She knew which buttons to press, Jonas was a man who grew tetchy when he didn’t get what he wanted. He was used to getting his own way. If she could just get angry, like when Rachel used to call her Miss Piggy and everyone laughed. They just saw her as a joke, someone who was unimportant and whose feelings could be run rough shod over. The welcome red mist will come and from that she will draw strength.
She finds the right button and gets the reaction.
She could feel the rage welling up in her. Her arms felt different as if someone else was controlling her, someone much stronger than herself. She picks up the heavy bookend and slings it at him with murderous force, it hits Jonas’s temple and he drops back on the couch.
She grips him firmly, puts a hand over his mouth and pinches his nose together. In his unconsciousness he twitches and she grips him even tighter, but then she stops.
He couldn’t bring himself to kill her and now she couldn’t bring herself to kill him.
She summons the police.
The police arrive in their heavy uniforms  tasers and other traditional weapons and restraints.
“My cousin was one of the girls he murdered,” the policeman looks at Jonas on the floor.
Felicity stares into his eyes and is surprised.
She expects his rage to bubble up, that he would have to exercise self control to stop him throwing Jonas onto the floor and stamping on his head. But, there was none of it, there was pain in his eyes, there was loss, but also a serenity, a peace that he had made within himself despite all. She knew in that instant he’d forgiven the killer of his cousin.
She wanted that serenity she saw in the policeman she wanted that more than anything. She could start by forgiving Jonas.
“Jonas is not the serial killer. Some of my statement was inaccurate because I was cross with him. I was carrying the knife for my own protection and I got nervous and overreacted. He was being horrible and laddish, but I don’t think he was going to attack me.”
Suddenly the lava lamp explodes violently.
Felicity feels the oil burn into her face, the pain intense. A shard of glass protrudes from her right eye, and blood trickles into the fold of her slight double chin mingling with the scalding oil. Jonas had got his fitting revenge after all. But it was fine, it was all fine as she didn’t feel any rage.
She thinks back to an evening about a month ago.
Rachel laughs. But, she stops abruptly when the knife slashes her throat. Her warm life blood spurts over Felicity who doesn’t flinch, just holds onto her enjoying watching her death struggle. She thrusts a bloodied hand into Rachel’s panties and rubs her vagina, which causes a look of surprise. It’s a ploy, the police will think her killer is a man.
She puts on a long plastic raincoat with hood which will cover up the blood until she gets to the backdoor of Walter and Ruff accountants. The employee showers are just inside the door. She strips in the shower. The blood washes down the plughole and the scent of it disappears. Rachel is gone forever.
Felicity feels the rage slip off her like a cloak. She sobs uncontrollably as she knows the next few torturous days she will feel like a monster. Then the mundanity of normal life will dull the edge off the pain.
The police would never find the Coventry serial killer because they will be searching for someone who doesn’t exist anymore. There will be no more victims. Felicity may now look like a monster from the outside but the monster within is dead.

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